which in my opinion is a pretty awesome gift.
except, I've never cooked a turkey before.
I mean, I've seen people cook turkeys before, it can't be that hard.
people, deep fry them for crying out loud.
I can do this.
mistake number one: not unthawed in time for Christmas day dinner.
that's okay. I made pizza instead.
mistake number two: attempting to prepare a turkey without adult supervision.
yes, I did this on my own, not including the ridiculous phone call my mother received.
Monday morning I was bound and determined to cook that damn bird.
Dan was fast asleep, having stayed up far too late playing his new Assassin's Creed game.
I said to myself, "self, we can totally have this turkey in the oven before the man wakes up. and heck let's make sweet rolls for breakfast too."
after I made the sweet rolls, I told that turkey he was going down.
I got everything set up. the roaster, the bag, paper towels next to the sink for sufficient patting down.
I was set to go.
sure, I talk big when the turkey is still in it's nice tight packaging.
but once that bird was free of it's restraints, that's when the real battle began.
first, I am physically grossed out by raw poultry.
second, I am equally grossed out by anything still resembling it's living form.
so you can only imagine my feelings towards an uncooked turkey.
also, bones gross me out.
I should have videotaped the events that unfolded because it was gold, and I don't think I can really explain it in words.
now, I'm not completely clueless. I knew there were things that needed to be done.
first, the bag of guts needed to go. so I located it easily, pulled it out and promptly threw it away.
I didn't even look inside the bag.
why they don't just throw this stuff away in the turkey factory is beyond me.
later I found out that those guts are not only edible, but something my husband enjoys. oy vey.
the neck was next on the list. one problem, I didn't know where it was or what it looked like.
I searched each end of the turkey to no avail.
this resulted in a phone call to my mother. she never imagined receiving such a hysterical call....about a turkey.
she laughed at me. a lot.
she laughed her way through the steps of finding the neck, which some genius thought should be stuck in the tail end of this thing. the moment I saw it I gagged a little.
phone still to my ear, I grabbed a pair of tongs and ripped it from the turkey's butt.
I swear to you it's like something out of an Alien movie.
I threw it in the sink, prepared to never speak of it again.
but according to my mom, you're supposed to cook that too.
fine. I threw it in a little pan and said the man can take care of that thing later.
for fear that my phone would end up in the turkey, I told my mom goodbye and hung up.
mistake number three: as I was rinsing out the 13 pound turkey, I started to imagine what it looked like when it was alive.
that was probably the biggest mistake, because once I started I couldn't stop.
I became progressively more disgusted. the bones, the flesh, the wings, everything.
as I write this I can still smell raw turkey. it will stay with me forever.
like some sort of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I just kept telling myself, "you are a grown up, you are a grown up, you can do this."
finally I patted it dry and shoved it into the bag.
I had earlier tossed the string it came with aside, not knowing or caring what it was for. I just wanted to butter it up and get it in the oven so I could wash my hand of this weirdness and go back to reading my Mindy Kaling book.
after I got it in the oven I realized, the little pop up thermometer thingy was missing.
damn you, Butterball. like I own a meat thermometer. please, I'm barely an adult.
|my biggest fear.|
mistake number four: trying to carve a turkey while it's still in the aluminum roaster, may cause damage to said roaster.
seeing as I didn't use the turkey lifter string (seriously?) we and by "we" I mean Dan, tried to carve the turkey whilst it was still in the pan.
of course, I just stood there watching him and posting turkey pictures on facebook.
when suddenly I realized there were turkey juices everywhere.
Dan had cut a hole in the roaster and it was leaking. awesome.
we managed to salvage some of the broth (for what? I don't know, cause I buy pre-made gravy. obviously.)
while Dan was doing his Patriarchal duty of carving the turkey, I made the stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy.
when we finally sat down with our plates of food, we took a couple bites, looked at each other and said, "I'm not really hungry."
and that my friends, is why you don't cook an entire turkey for two people.
|my first and only turkey. boom.|
I've eaten enough left over turkey to last me a lifetime.