Saturday, February 26, 2011

Put us together and our IQ's drop dramatically.

"Welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?"

*spies the margaritas on the taco hell menu*

K: Hey! I didn't know taco bell served alcohol! bwahahahaa


"Do you ladies need any hot sauce?"

L: No, you gave us plenty last night.

K: That's what she said!

What do you get when you take two young women who live in Nome, and drop them in the middle of the city?

Two giggling girls parked in a random cul de sac at 2am eating Taco Bell nachos and virgin margaritas, because they got lost on their way back to the hotel.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

things you can't unsee

Living in Alaska has basically scarred me for life.

Seriously, you guys.

From the things my neighbors butcher on the front porch like swans, rabbits, and other cute furry cuddly things, to photos on facebook.

Nowhere is safe.

I was flipping through one of my friends FB albums, and was accosted by pictures of a skinned bear.

How many times has that happened to you?

I will never get that image out of my head.

Nor will I ever forget the time I saw my neighbor skin a rabbit on their porch and then hung its fur on the porch railing to dry. ((shudder)) Poor Thumper.

I can't make this stuff up.

There is death on the front lawn/porch/wall/floor/everywhereohmahgosh!

I would post photographic evidence for you, but the thought actually makes me gag.

Yes, You will find bear skin rugs, musk ox furs, animal heads, antlers, tusks, etc. in almost every home here.

I don't judge, but the hell if I will ever have an animal head hanging on my wall.

Not because I'm some PETA fanatic. (for realz, I love me some steak.)

But basically, because I am scared that one day I will wake up and the hypothetical animal head will be in my bed trying to eat my face off.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Funny Girls

I spent almost the entire weekend in my pajamas, watching movies and youtube, oh yea, and eating chips and salsa by the container full. I'm not proud, but I am satisfied.

Saturday I did manage to shower and put on jeans before I went to my friend's house to play Just Dance 2 on the Wii. Which was pretty much hilarious and next time I'll put on my industrial strength sports bra and yoga pants, because when we get dancing, it gets brutal, and by brutal I mean horrifying and sweaty. 2 year olds were crying, husbands were scarred for life, it was mayhem.

We had so much fun, we had no idea there was a blizzard raging outside.

I'm talking white out blizzard, people. I prayed and sang church songs the entire way home. Seriously, I've lived here for 4 years and never actually driven, myself, in a blizzard. I about peed my pants on the drive home. I was like Carrie Underwood, Jesus take the wheel while I crap my pants, ohmygoshpleasedontletmedietoday!

So, Sunday we were snowed in, obviously, and church was canceled.
I decided to take the opportunity -while Dan played hours of Fallout: New Vegas- to watch chick movies...Funny Girl and Funny Lady. Seriously epic. I've said it before, Barbra is one of my idols.

Of course then I had Don't Rain On My Parade stuck in my head for the rest of the 3-day weekend.

I'm sure Dan was thrilled.

Besides belting out showtunes with my headphones so I can't hear how off key I am....
(srsly, ask my husband, he has been subjected to that scene one too many times)
My other favorite thing to do is watch stand up comics.
I really love finding great female comics, like Chelsea Handler and Iliza Shlesinger.

So, to help brighten your Tuesday that probably feels like a Monday,
here are a couple of my favorite funny girls...

*warning, partaking of beverages while viewing the following clips may cause choking and or ruined keyboard*

Iliza Shlesinger
Iliza Shlesinger - Gem of Knowledge
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes
Iliza Shlesinger - Snake in the Grass
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes

Anjelah Johnson
Anjelah Johnson - Flight Attendants
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes
Anjelah Johnson - Butt Check-Out
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes

Happy Tuesday, Y'all.

Friday, February 18, 2011

All the small things

(woah, holy 6 posts in one week, batman. go me!)

Throughout High School, I remember spending my Saturday nights dressed up, in my knee length skirts and platform sandals, ready to dance the night away in the church gymnasium.

My brother and I (cause that's how I roll) would walk in and show the chaperones our dance cards. The LDS equivalent of being "carded".

Once I was "in", I would get pulled in a blur past the cute boys and into the girl's bathroom by three of my -probably screaming/hugging- friends, because one of them was crying. Do not pass go, do not even think about stopping by the refreshments table.

Now, normal adolescents would have taken the opportunity to smoke slash drink some form of contraband in said bathroom. But, we were in a church for crying out loud, and no one ever said we were normal. At least not between the ages of 14 and 17...I saved that for after high school.

Instead of a night of carefree dancing, we would spend the first half of the dance in the bathroom, chillin' in the same chairs women breast feed in, trying to convince "crying friend" that she's gorgeous and just needs to dance it out. Or, to grow a pair and get out there and ask that tall skinny boy she was crushin' on to dance.  Unless that boy was the same skinny kid I was crushing on, then it was a fight to the death in the bathroom.

I won, obviously.

So, you may be asking what the point of all this is?

Well, the point is... just freakin dance! 

Stop crying because you think someone doesn't like you.

Stop wasting precious time worrying about what others think or do.

Do what you want to do, and if you want to dance, then dance.

ps...All The Small Things by Blink 182 was one of the most played songs at those dances.
pps...Cotton Eyed Joe was number 1.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

going to Nome for a wife

One of my all time favorite movies is Blast From The Past with Alicia Silverstone and Brendan Fraser.

Basically everything I know about Alaska I learned from that movie scene. 

If you would have told me back in 2000 -when I first saw this movie- that I would eventually live in Alaska,
I would have laughed and said you were crazy.

Four years ago I moved to Nome.

Who's crazy now? the way, no one comes to Nome for a wife. Just sayin.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sometimes life imitates The Vampire Diaries

[Scene: Human Elena watching Vampire Stefan cooking dinner.]

Elena: My dad did all the cooking too.
Stefan: And your mom?
Elena: She sat right here and watched...she couldn't cook either.

Dan: Hey, that's just like you, baby.

Me: What? I just cooked us dinner.

*points to plate of chicken strips and french fries*

Dan: umm yea. That's not really cooking. But I love you anyways.

....He sure knows how to sweet talk a lady.

I didn't marry him for his good looks and charm, I married him because he can cook.


---------Two truths and a lie Tuesday--------

I got my first driver's license when I was 23 years old.

I've never been on a rollercoaster.

I have never drank alcohol.

Thanks Melissa!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Can't Buy Me Love

I don't need diamonds, or chocolates, or a hallmark card.

I just need you, snuggled close to me, watching Glee or something equally as girly.

I don't need a lot to make me happy.

....but if you want to buy me something, who am I to deny you the satisfaction it brings.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Why I should never wake and bake...

(that's probably the best blog title I have ever had. I should just stop right there.)

This is my attempt at being domestic.

Friday night I baked a couple dozen heart shaped sugar cookies.

I'm going to start out by saying that I cheated (as I usually do) and used store bought sugar cookie mix.

Because how could I possibly screw this up?

And I know how to make icing, this is gonna be easy peasy.

Saturday morning I woke up and was ready to tackle step two... icing and decorating.

Attempt number one:

self: oh this is so much fun! I could totally be a baker!

whip egg whites. check.
add sugar. check.
have husband taste test. check.

Dan: it's a little grainy, did you sift the sugar?

Me: no, the recipe didn't say i needed to sift it.

Dan: I always sift powdered sugar. you did use powdered sugar right?

Me: oh my gosh! I used granulated sugar! why would I do that? I am so retarded!

*bangs head on wall*

Dan: it's okay, baby, it's just early. you're not awake yet.

....Of course, then I was out of eggs and my truck refused to start in the -23 degree weather.

So I said screw it, and swore off baking for ever.

Attempt number two:

*husband returns from store with eggs and an energy drink*

self: okay, you can do this. show that icing whose boss.

While separating the egg whites I dropped the yoke of egg number four into the bowl of whites...

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: sh*t!

Mom: oh no, she said sh*t, it must be bad.

Me: I just broke the yoke into the whites, oh my gosh not again!

Mom: maybe I should go, you need to concentrate.

Me: Mom, I'm baking, not driving a car for pete's sake. why is this so hard?!

I fished out as much of the yoke as possible, said screw it and finished making the icing.

My poor mother had to suffer through the entire icing process., I may have scarred her for life.

My kitchen looks like cupid puked all over it.

finished product:

these cookies can burn in a fiery valentine's hell.

those f'ers were so not worth the trouble.

Friday, February 4, 2011

I don't go out on the sea ice because there are whales under there. duh.

My extremely talented friend, Kim @ Nomemade created this awesome movie trailer featuring my husband, and many of our friends. enjoy.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I don't hate autocorrect.

I found the most hilarious website that has left me with sore abs and soiled pants from laughing so hard.
here are a few of my favorites...

sounds like an average day around these parts.

LOLZ fa sho!

who doesn't want to be paid in monkeys?

 this one is for Elly Lou.

and the one that had me on the floor gasping for air....
you are welcome.

the end.