Thursday, December 29, 2011

this happens more often than I'd like to admit

[a real phone conversation at 11pm]
me: mom you need to change your password.

mom: why?

me: because you are spamming my facebook wall with cat pictures.

mom: you don't like them?

me: you did this? on purpose?

mom: I just learned how to share things. I thought you'd think they were funny.

me: I thought you got hacked.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

remember that time I said I was going to start reviewing books...

and then I totally just left you guys hanging and started up a fan blog for The Host instead?
Yeah, that happened.

...because blogging about twilight is so two years ago.

it's all about the bodysnatching aliens and love triangles now, people.

So my little Host blog is still in it's infancy, but we have big plans for it, including a book discussion.

But, before we can do a discussion, y'all need to read it.

That's where my very first book review comes in...

see what I did there?

full circle, my friends.

The Host by Stephenie Meyer (don't judge.) is a Sci-fi novel about our world taken over by bodysnatching aliens. The book follows one particular Soul, a soul called Wanderer. She is placed in the body of Melanie Stryder one of the last humans in the resistance against the alien invaders. However, instead of being completely erased, Melanie stays in the back of her mind, tormenting Wanderer with her memories and love for her brother Jamie and her boyfriend, Jared. Plagued by these memories, Wanderer begins to long for the brother and boyfriend she has never met. Aaaaand craziness ensues.

This story has one of the most difficult love-polygons I have ever read. It's thought provoking and emotional and there are no sparkly vampires. *gasp* I know! I had a hard time reading this book in the beginning because it wasn't Twilight, but once I got into the book I fell in love with these characters and I pretty much bawled my eyes out for the last 2 or 3 chapters.

It has been dubbed science fiction for people who don't like science fiction.

Now go, my friends, and read this wonderment.

The End.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

My goal in life: Not get arrested.

If I never end up in jail, I win.

Every day I wake up and remind myself, "Let's not go to jail today."

And every night I come home and say, "Good job self, another day, no jail."

Then I pat myself on the back, and give myself a cookie.

I'm all about the rewards system, you should try it.

The other day my mother was talking with her hair stylist who said,
"You're kids have grown to become such wonderful adults."

I'm surprised my mom didn't laugh and say, "Are we talking about the same kids?"

Later, my younger brother assured my mom, "Hey, none of us are in jail, so obviously we're winning."

Aren't we though? It's some hard work staying out of the slammer.

I'm impressed.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

City Girl's (Sort of) Alaskan Gift Guide...

Living in Alaska is hard. When you live in a place where function trumps fashion, you learn to compromise.

But just because we're in the wilderness doesn't mean we have to sacrifice the luxuries in life...
except Starbucks and IMAX...I have to deal with sub-par hot chocolate and a movie screen that doesn't accentuate every mole on Rob Pattinson's body. Why is my life so hard?

Here's a list of gifts that even the most outdoorsy girl can't resist, and any city girl should not live without.

1. Furry Headphone Earmuffs from
Pretty much brilliant. Why didn't we think of it sooner?

2. New Wayfarer Sunglasses by Ray-Ban
Okay, so the sun may only be out for 4 hours a day, but when it is, I need me some shades.

3. Essential Down Duffle Parka from Eddie Bauer
It's basically a sleeping bag with arms. What's not to love?

 The cutie patootie boy at the MAC counter admitted that he could never live anywhere that didn't have a make-up counter, after I told him our only make-up options in Nome were at Safeway. *shudder*

5. Open Knit Neck Warmer from Forever 21
because the only thing I fit into at F21 is a scarf.

Happy Shopping!!

(disclaimer: I don't get paid to recc' this shizz. I just like it. the end.)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I'm such a good girl sometimes.

During our "epic" snowpacolypse omgosh-we-are-all-gonna-die-storm my office was closed.
So I chilled at home and played on facebook and did the dishes.
That is not a typo, I washed all the dishes.
that right there is a serious miracle of miracles, people.

Dan of course had to work. Damn hospitals.

So when Dan got home we took a little drive to check out the crazy ocean waves and road damage.
Then went to the store for Cool Ranch Doritos and Red Bull, which was obviously my dinner.
I think it complimented the pumpkin pie I ate for lunch quite nicely.

As we were strolling through the supermarket Dan asked me to carry the basket.
Later as we were headed to the check out, he said, "thank you. You've been so helpful today."
and I was all, "I know, right? I did the dishes today and I'm carrying the groceries. can I have ice cream since I've been so helpful today?"
of course I didn't wait for an answer, and chose a delicious ice cream Twix bar... and dare I say it was amazeballs?! srsly, you guys. everyone talks about Snickers, but the Twix is where it's at. The end.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm going to need heavy sedatives for this.

It's that time of year again, where I head in for my annual try-not-to-gag-for-an-hour-while-two-people-shove-things-in-my-mouth check up.

(this could go one of two ways...)

I'm talking about the dentist, people.

I'm laying there wishing I could move my mouth enough to say, "Can we get a little suction up in here? I'm drowning!"

My face is numb for the next, I dunno, 3 days, and every time I try to eat I feel like I'm choking to death.

Did they shoot the Novocain straight into my neck? what the hell?

Every time they ask me if I have problems with any of my teeth I fear that if I mention anything they are going to try and rip them out of my face.

My wisdom teeth for example.

I seriously need those.

For like, wisdom-y things and stuff.

Also, I have this weird fear of holes in my mouth.

According to the x-rays, which I've taken the liberty of examining -using my vast knowledge of dentistry, obviously.

and I've come to the conclusion that my teeth are coming in just fine and dandy. thankyouverymuch.

No need to go pulling out perfectly good teeth.

Now, the dentist, on the other hand, thinks we should just get those pesky teeth out of there, before they become an issue.

Why are we automatically assuming there will be an issue?

Why you are making my teeth feel bad about themselves?

"Well, we can pull them, but you'll be awake the whole time."

Excuse me, what?

"We don't us IV Sedation when we pull wisdom teeth."

I need to leave now before I wake up in a bathtub of ice and my internal organs are missing.

Seriously? When did my life become a Saw movie?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

apparently moms can resist the Schweddy balls...

I recently saw a post about the new Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor, Schweddy Balls.

of course I snort-laugh...I love that SNL skit, it's so... festive

This group of OneMillionMoms (you can find their link in the post I linked above) want people to write to Ben & Jerry's and ask them to not release another batch of this totally offensive ice cream flavor.

If that's offensive, why is no one attacking the Karmel Sutra flavor?
...probably because that shizz is da bomb and bee-yotches be gettin' shanked if that is ever pulled from the shelves. the end.

I wish I could say I am surprised that people would be offended over something so silly, but then I remember... people are idiots.

Of course, this group of "moms" don't just protest ice cream, they also get all crazy offended about tv shows and magazine ads.

*sigh* they not have anything better to do?


If you don't like it, don't buy it.

Just like, if you don't like what's playing on TV, change the channel.

That's why God invented Parental Controls.

I hate Teen Mom and The Secret Life of an American Slut Teenager...

but instead of wasting my time with boycotts and petitions and all that crap, I just change the channel and watch something that is entertaining and completely inoffensive, like Chelsea Lately or How I Met Your Mother.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

my milkshake

Dan brings me homemade chocolate shake that I begged him to make...

me: *singing* my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...mumble mumble...I'd teach you but I'd have to charge.

me: "Did you spike this with Nyquil?"

Dan: "Should I have?"

me: "Naw, you don't have to secretly drug me, I'll take it willingly.

Dan: ...

me: That's what she said.

Dan: ...

me: am I talking to myself here? ...I think I am.

Attention returns to milkshake and singing milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

...I may or may not be doped up on cold meds. just sayin.

Monday, September 5, 2011

I never read the books

We finally saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II on Saturday.

It felt like an eternity waiting for our tiny movie theater to show it.

I plugged my ears and sang "la la la" anytime someone mentioned the movie.

Everyone and their dog knew how it was going to end.

because they all read the books, of course.

Even my husband read the series in the weeks leading up to it's release.

but I stood my ground.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

I was never interested in reading the books.

The movies were just fine with me.

I had an idea of how it was all going to go down.

I didn't think I would cry.

but behind those giant 3D glasses, I may have shed a tear or two.

and then I left the movie theater not feeling closure.

no, I left with a hole in my heart and a desire to read the books.

because I didn't already have a stack of books to read.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

was I not just saying I hate being outside?

sometimes I love saying I live in Alaska.

it's a great conversation started.

and it makes me seem way more interesting than I really am.

but really, I am boring.

when I'm not at work, I like to be at home.

I don't want to go hiking or fishing or anywhere farther than the distant between my couch and the kitchen.

and yet, somehow, I was coerced into going on a hike last Saturday.

not only was I coerced, but I was greatly deceived.

I was told, it was an easy hike and super fun.

that's like saying a root canal or pap smear is super fun.

I'm beginning to think my friends are masochists.

for those of you who live in the real world, hiking usually includes a trail.

this hike had no such trail.

and it was up hill...both ways.

I wish I was exaggerating.

oh, and did I mention it was all tundra?

tundra = uneven, spongy, rocky, unwalkable ground.

basically I spent four hours in hell.

hours and hours of walking/climbing with no end or bathroom in sight.

that is my nightmare.

I saw no animals while we were hiking.

not even a bird in the sky.

I'm assuming because they know it freakin' sucks balls out there.

after what seemed like a hundred years later we reached the waterfall.

the whole reason why we were even "hiking".

and let's just say it was less than impressive...and size really does matter.

seriously, my husband proposed to me at Snoqualmie Falls.

Dorothy Falls wishes it could be Snoqualmie Falls when it grows up.

okay, maybe I'm being a little harsh, but if that waterfall wanted me to love it, it should have made itself a little easier to on the side of the road.

once we reached this wannabe-waterfall, we collapsed sat down while everyone ate their packed lunches.

did I mention I hardly ate or drank anything for fear that I would need to go to the bathroom?

I was pretty much the walking dead.

how I didn't lose 10 pounds on this death hike is beyond me.

somehow I managed to make the trek back to our cars, but the details are all a bit fuzzy.

I remember picking berries with Marcy on the way back.

but really it was just an excuse for me to stop and rest every few feet.

as we wandered the vast tundra, we would periodically find Dan, sitting patiently waiting for me to catch up.

I'm sure by the end he was wishing he had married a long legged hiking enthusiast.

but for me it was comforting to know he hadn't forgotten about me.

I know he was just praying that he wouldn't have to call in a search and rescue.

On the way home I told him, "I hope you are proud of me, cause you will never ever EVER see that again."

There pictures floating around somewhere that prove I did actually make it all the way there and back.

If I find said pictures, and I don't look like a fat zombie, I will update this post.

Until then, you know where to find me.

(on the couch, watching E! News.)


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

this is why I like treadmills...

Last Saturday Dan and I decided we needed to embrace the sunshine we've been receiving by going for a walk.

Also, our truck was getting new tires, so why not just walk and pick it up.

I had to pee by time we made it to the truck.

It only took us fifteen minutes to get there.

and this is why I don't exercise outside.

because you never know when your bladder is going to be all "dude, I hope there's a bathroom near by or you are wearing an adult diaper, cause it's go time."

My biggest fear is that I'll be really far from my house, and I'll need to go rightfreakinnow, and I have to try and get home without wetting myself.

Dan thinks I have the bladder the size of a peanut.

I just think it's worn out from years of holding it during the Lord Of The Rings movies.

because I paid good money to watch Orlando Bloom kicking ass in a Lady Gaga wig.

Seriously, holding your pee for 3 hours while drinking like a Hobbit is bound to cause some damage.

Monday, August 22, 2011

current obsessions

A list of things I spend hours watching/browsing instead of doing laundry, cooking, cleaning or anything else remotely productive. 

Yes, I've always liked her, but I had forgotten how freakin' awesome she is.
(ps...she swears like a sailor...which just makes me love her even more. you've been warned.)

(if you want to watch another awesome Sara video, check out her Single Ladies cover.)

 Great for those times when I'm too impatient to order books online.
(actual screenshot from my phone.)

Netflix for iPhone 
Now I don't have to stop watching tv when I go the bathroom. thank you, technology.
I recently watched Love Hurts featuring my tv boyfriend, Johnny Pacar...
eye sexin'...he's doin' it right.
(screencap from Make It Or Break It. *melts*)

Yes, I found another social network-y time-suck.

I cannot express how much I love this blog. It is hilarious.
Bonus: I found this clip via STFUParents and I died laughing. You're welcome.

Here's hoping you get through the day without dropping your phone, or a baby. Happy Monday.

Friday, August 19, 2011

young adult novels aren't helping my street cred...

One thing my husband and I have in common is our love for collecting books.

We dream of someday having a library in our home.

I imagine we will have our own sections...mine will be filled with Young Adult novels about vampires, dystopian societies, and psychic teenagers.

I'm so philisophical and deep. Obviously.

Whenever we go on vacation we buy a crapton of books.

We pay for extra bags because we buy at least a suitcase full.

Have you been to Powell's Books? It's like heaven.
You know, if heaven smelled like old paper and hipsters.

Plus, I need books to read while traveling... a.k.a. sitting in the SeaTac airport for 4 hours.

Honestly, SeaTac is the worst place to have a late night lay over.
There are like 4 plugins in the entire freakin' airport. Who does that?!

Anyways, my airport read this year was Matched by Ally Condie

If you enjoyed the Hunger Games series, you will most likely enjoy this book.

Unfortunately, the sequel, Crossed, doesn't hit the shelves until November.

I bought quite a few books this year, and since then I've bought a few sequels.

So I've decided to start reviewing the books I read here on the blog.

Now, I will warn you, not only am I terrible at reading books in a timely manner, I also totally suck at updating the blog.

My goal is to read them all by the end of the year.

I love setting myself up for failure.

My goodreads account will give you a clue as to which books I'll be reviewing. Stay tuned...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

hand me the remote, i could do this all day.

During our three week stint as gypsies...aka vacation, we stayed with many family members.

Our first stop was Dan's parent's house.

One day, Dan and I were hanging out watching tv while my in-laws were running some errands.

As I was flipping through the cable guide I would stop at all my favorite shows that happened to be playing.

Every show I clicked on was....

wait for it...


What does that say about my taste in television?

Dan says it means I like "all the dirty shows".


When I channel surf, if any of these shows are on, that is what I'm going to watch. Even if its a rerun.

Vampire Diaries
I truly don't think I've gushed over this show enough.

It makes my heart burst with sparkly rainbows of joy.

How I Met Your Mother
My netflix queue is overflowing with HIMYM.
(Srsly, I could dedicate an entire post to this show I love it so much.)

Chelsea Lately
That snarky biznatch has stolen my heart.

Disgusting and hilarious. I can.not.get.enough.

My love for this spunky kid show knows no bounds.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Pretty much anything Kardashian related. Khloe and I are totally BFFs.

Gilmore Girls
The show with witty "gun-fire" dialogue.

That 70's Show
This show will never stop being funny. ever.

Make It Or Break It
two words: Johnny Pacar.

Apparently, I have a sick twisted eclectic taste in programming.

and yes, I did end up watching iCarly at my in-laws house.

What are some of your favorite television shows?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Guest Post at Bewitched Bookworms....

Today I am guest posting with my amazing bloggy friend cutie at Bewitched Bookworms.

We are talking about our favorite book boyfriends,
and the boys we dream of being cast in their roles.

Witty banter and cute boys, what more do you need?

How about this....

Yea, you probably wanna head over there now.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

my mind on tumblr

I haven't been blogging much...obviously. but I have been posting on tumblr, so I thought I'd share what's going on with me through things I've posted on tumblr. this is also an example of lazy blogging.
go me!

 (all photo sources can be found at

so.... what's new with you?

Monday, May 23, 2011

If I could kick myself in the arse

Dear Skinny Jeans,
Remember when we used to be friends?
When you would zip without a fight,
and my internal organs wouldn't scream
in protest anytime I sat down?
Yea, those were good times.
Muffin Top

Vacation is just around the corner (10 days to be exact, not that I'm counting or anything)
and I am kicking my butt for not keeping up with my diet and exercise.

Sure, my pants still fit *coughbarelycough* but things really have gone down hill.

So I am making a last-ditch effort to lose a couple pounds before we take off.
Of course, there are always bumps in the road, a.k.a. pizza and cheetos,
but I am determined to persevere.

I'm saying goodbye to the country gravy (which I seem to be eating with everything)
and saying hello to the treadmill and slimfast...and diet pills.

Healthy living?
I'z doin' it right.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The circus rolled into town, and I was the main attraction.

Well, I've been 25 for a couple weeks now and I feel exactly the same as I did when I was 24.

Except, now I can drive a rental car without paying a million dollars.

Who am I kidding? There is no way the husband is going to let me drive. Let's be realistic.

So, on my birthday, I strapped on my brand new birthday boots and went to work.

When I got to my office, I opened the door, flipped on the lights and almost peed my pants.

My office was filled with balloons.

Strung floor to ceiling.

Obviously, the birthday faeries came to visit, and they wanted EVERY ONE to know it was my birthday.

So, there I sat, at my desk, in a colorful balloon cage for all to see.

I couldn't figure out how everyone just automatically knew it was my birthday,

we could have been celebrating my bat mitzvah for all they knew...

Until, I saw the giant sticky note on the front of my desk that said, "Happy Birthday Kim!"

My friends are sneaky little devils.

I'm always so thrilled to be at work, what can I say?

On top of all that, my co-workers got me a cake and hid it under the boss's desk...

I'm pretty sure they almost caught that desk on fire. good times.

25 candles doesn't sound like a lot until you put them all on a little cake. Then it becomes a fire hazard.

I basically ate my weight in cake that day.

Not only did we eat german chocolate cake, but one of my friends also baked me the most magical sparkly pink cupcakes.

magical cupcakes of wonderment. zero calories...obviously

They were made out of rainbows and sunshine. Or it could have been funfetti cake and strawberry frosting. But I'm pretty sure they came from the land of Unicorns.

All day I sat in balloonland, eating cake, and basically being spoiled.

Like seriously, who knew? I didn't even think these guys liked me.

Don't get me wrong, they teased me mercilessly.

"Oh, how old are you? 19?"

"That's so great, you're finally 21!"

"You don't look a day over 16."

"If you walked into a bar, I would card you."

I will always look like a teenager.

And you know what...I'm okay with that.

...because I'm so mature.

My office is super lame and boring now that my circus cage is gone.

Monday, April 18, 2011

under pressure

I've pretty much spent the last few weeks wallowing in a pit of despair.

Hence, the lack of bloggy rambles.

Because I know you only come here for the dead animals, and self deprecating banter.

So, instead of dragging y'all down the rabbit hole with me, 
here's a list of things that are currently keeping me from medicating myself into oblivion. 

If you have never seen these parodies, go watch them now.
Seriously, ditch me, ditch me right now and watch them all. They are amazing.

The Vampire Diaries
See above. I love this show. Maybe not as much as twilight, 
but I do lurve me some Ian Somerhalder. 
Why the costume director makes them wear shirts is beyond me.

Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes

The greatest time suck since Plants Vs. Zombies

Country Strong favorite song.

because watching a kid check into a mental hospital 
is just what you want to watch when you are suffering depression.
(actually, it was exactly what I needed.)
and this scene made it all worth it.

serenity, now.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I'm pretty sure I'm missing Algebra class right now.

In one week, I will be twenty-five years old.

what the fetch?

I don't know what happened.

I think I fell and hit my head in high school and woke up here in this weird "13 going on 30" alternate universe, because I don't remember getting old.

My teenage brain is not equipped for this twenty-five year old life.

I spend hours playing bejeweled and angry birds on my cell phone instead of doing laundry.
And then act shocked when I can't find anything to wear, and my room is covered in clothing.

I was supposed to call my insurance company during lunch the other day, but spent the entire hour
watching baby pygmy goats on youtube (thanks, Elly) and listening to Garfunkel & Oats and Rocky & Balls.

And for the love of Pete, don't ask me to cook a meal. Anything with more than two steps
(unwrap put in microwave) is a recipe for disaster, and will only end in tears and broken appliances.

My husband has a panic attack anytime I look at the KitchenAid mixer.
I'm pretty sure he's afraid it will fall apart if I lay a finger on it.

I have the eating habits of a 12 year old.

If it wasn't for my husband, I don't think I would even see a vegetable, let alone eat one.

Despite my child-like tendencies, I guess I have grown up.

Because, I'm pretty sure my sixteen-year-old self would be scared sh!t-less if she lived in Alaska.

In fact, you couldn't have paid sixteen-year-old me to get on an airplane.
Not even backstage passes to Spice Girls or Hanson would get me on one of those winged death traps.

Now I have to get on a plane anytime I want to see civilization. Like Starbucks or Old Navy.

Between the dead animals, whales, and lack of Seven-Eleven,
sixteen-year-old me would be terrified.

Friday, March 18, 2011

it's freezing balls in my office.

that title alone may get me a scolding from my mother about being unlady-like.

*quirks eyebrow* ...that ship has sailed long ago.

Every morning, I wake up in my snuggly warm bed and dread hitting the snooze button for fear that my arm will  freeze off Teminator-style if it leaves the safety of my comforter.

I practically drag my bedding into the bathroom with me.

Heaven forbid I drop the blanket in toilet water.

I can't deal with that sort of drama in the morning.

This entire morning routine is why I shower at night.

If I showered in the A.M. I would never ever get out.

(atleast until the hot water runs out)

It's just like being in bed...except I'm standing and naked and wet.

So not at all like being in bed...I hope. Just go with it.

Once I manage to wriggle out of my blanket burrito, I get dressed for work.

I try so hard to be professional.

(okay not too hard, I don't want to hurt myself.)

But wearing cute dresses and even dress pants is such a pain here.

The other day I wore two pairs of tights to work...TWO.

I mean, it takes me 3 minutes to drive to work, but I'm shivering the whole way.
I look forward to Friday all week long not because it's the end of the week, but because I can wear jeans.

I know what you are saying, "But why does it matter when you are inside the office all day?"

Well, because my office is freezing balls.

Just my office. I swear it's the only office in the entire building without heat.

My space heater and I are BFFs.

Seriously, I'm *this* close to bringing a snuggie to work.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

the woes of online shopping

Sometimes things just don't work out.

and by "work out" I mean don't fit over my apparently enormous calves.

yep, you guessed it, I bought the boots, but the boots gave me the finger.

pirate hooker? not a good look, my friends.

Unfolded I looked like a fat hooker,

and folded down I looked like a fat pirate.

neither of which were looks I was going for.

If they had been heels I think I could have gotten away with them, but since they fit so snugly I couldn't pull them up enough, which made them bunch up in the most unflattering way around my ankles.


I decided to show them to Dan, while he was playing video games *facepalm*

this is how it went down...

me: dude, these are terrible, I look like a pirate hooker.

Dan: *eyes pealed on the TV* so you're saying you don't like them?

me: i'm saying they look terrible. look!

*folds them up and down*

Dan: hey, could you do that again?

*catch him checking out my cleavage*

me: you are terrible, I'm sending them back.

It's always a gamble not being able to try things on.

Like the green plaid shirt dress I thought would be SO cute from Old Navy.

No, it's the fugliest dress I've ever owned.

And will remain owning, because I was too lazy to send it back.

You win this time, Old Navy.


The real question is, should I still go for the Steve Madden boots?

What if they are amazing and I end up missing out on some kickass boots?

(This is my mind, it's scary in there.)

....decisions, decisions.

Monday, March 14, 2011

just because you shoot it doesn't mean you need to stuff it.

When I was growing up in the lush greenery of Washington, my parents would take my brothers and I to the mountains, to enjoy nature and eat at a lodge nestled between the tall evergreen trees near the river.

I remember looking up at the forest trees that reached up toward the sky.

They used to scare me if I thought about it too long.

We would be giddy if we saw a squirrel or a deer.

My younger brother would run around catching anything creepy and crawly.

We loved the mountains but never felt the need to go camping or hunting. so, it shouldn't really be a surprise that animals that have been killed and then stuffed, scare me to death.

There was a big stuffed Elk in the lodge we used to visit.

Standing right next to the front door.

You would walk in and BAM there's a giant dead animal looking right at you.

My parents have a picture of us in front of the dead creature.

oh the pink culottes...*facepalm*

I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of tears, because who wants to be forced by their parents (who are supposed to love you) to stand next to a corpse that may or may not come back from the dead and eat your brains.

Dude it's about to bite my little brother's head off!

Now I live in a state, where having animal corpses as decor, is not only common place, but it's encouraged.

Slowly, I have learned to adapt to my surrounding.

Otherwise, I would never go anywhere, ever.

And I'm not cut out for the crazy cat lady life.

I am becoming more comfortable in homes with hunting trophies, bear skin rugs,

restaurants with dead bears in the middle of the room,
(okay that one is pushing it, who wants to see that while they eat?)

and airport corridors with every arctic animal welcoming you from behind plate glass, letting you know that you have undoubtedly landed in Alaska.

The same cannot be said for my fear of whales. *shudder*

Saturday, March 5, 2011

with what money?

I love it when my husband asks, "With what money?"  whenever I tell him I want to buy something.
(that's a lie. I absolutely loath it.)

Well, I was thinking about using the money I make selling harvested organs in dark alleys.

Or, I could use the money I get from that time-suck I call a job.

You know the place I go every morning, that turns me into a brain eating zombie by 5 o'clock.

Granted, this aversion to spending pertains to things like clothes, shoes, asian babies, and hair products.

Not food. I can pretty much buy all the food that I want. He doesn't starve me or anything.
(but maybe he should.)

The other day I tried explaining the importance of my buying new boots.

You see, my Target special, knee high black boots are broken.

I'm pretty sure one of the many grated metal stairs around town assaulted my left heel and tore that little rubber end right off.

Truly, I am devastated. And who knows how long it's been missing.

For the past 2 weeks I've been doing my most favorite thing in the shopping.

And now, I am convinced I need TWO new pairs of boots.

Because, I cannot live another day without a a black pair and brown pair.

It's a travesty that I haven't owned a pair of brown boots in 5 years.

That is 5 years too long, people.

So, I've figured out a way to get exactly what I want.

Obviously, I need a pair to replace my old broken ones, so I found these...
Chinese Laundry

Which he cannot deny me, because they are a necessity of life.

And these...
steve madden
...these babies are for my birthday.

You see what I did there? Yea. I'm pretty smooth like that.

Bonus, everything is on sale because it's the end of the season in the fashion world.

Of course, we still have winter for another 4 months.

Go me!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Put us together and our IQ's drop dramatically.

"Welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?"

*spies the margaritas on the taco hell menu*

K: Hey! I didn't know taco bell served alcohol! bwahahahaa


"Do you ladies need any hot sauce?"

L: No, you gave us plenty last night.

K: That's what she said!

What do you get when you take two young women who live in Nome, and drop them in the middle of the city?

Two giggling girls parked in a random cul de sac at 2am eating Taco Bell nachos and virgin margaritas, because they got lost on their way back to the hotel.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

things you can't unsee

Living in Alaska has basically scarred me for life.

Seriously, you guys.

From the things my neighbors butcher on the front porch like swans, rabbits, and other cute furry cuddly things, to photos on facebook.

Nowhere is safe.

I was flipping through one of my friends FB albums, and was accosted by pictures of a skinned bear.

How many times has that happened to you?

I will never get that image out of my head.

Nor will I ever forget the time I saw my neighbor skin a rabbit on their porch and then hung its fur on the porch railing to dry. ((shudder)) Poor Thumper.

I can't make this stuff up.

There is death on the front lawn/porch/wall/floor/everywhereohmahgosh!

I would post photographic evidence for you, but the thought actually makes me gag.

Yes, You will find bear skin rugs, musk ox furs, animal heads, antlers, tusks, etc. in almost every home here.

I don't judge, but the hell if I will ever have an animal head hanging on my wall.

Not because I'm some PETA fanatic. (for realz, I love me some steak.)

But basically, because I am scared that one day I will wake up and the hypothetical animal head will be in my bed trying to eat my face off.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Funny Girls

I spent almost the entire weekend in my pajamas, watching movies and youtube, oh yea, and eating chips and salsa by the container full. I'm not proud, but I am satisfied.

Saturday I did manage to shower and put on jeans before I went to my friend's house to play Just Dance 2 on the Wii. Which was pretty much hilarious and next time I'll put on my industrial strength sports bra and yoga pants, because when we get dancing, it gets brutal, and by brutal I mean horrifying and sweaty. 2 year olds were crying, husbands were scarred for life, it was mayhem.

We had so much fun, we had no idea there was a blizzard raging outside.

I'm talking white out blizzard, people. I prayed and sang church songs the entire way home. Seriously, I've lived here for 4 years and never actually driven, myself, in a blizzard. I about peed my pants on the drive home. I was like Carrie Underwood, Jesus take the wheel while I crap my pants, ohmygoshpleasedontletmedietoday!

So, Sunday we were snowed in, obviously, and church was canceled.
I decided to take the opportunity -while Dan played hours of Fallout: New Vegas- to watch chick movies...Funny Girl and Funny Lady. Seriously epic. I've said it before, Barbra is one of my idols.

Of course then I had Don't Rain On My Parade stuck in my head for the rest of the 3-day weekend.

I'm sure Dan was thrilled.

Besides belting out showtunes with my headphones so I can't hear how off key I am....
(srsly, ask my husband, he has been subjected to that scene one too many times)
My other favorite thing to do is watch stand up comics.
I really love finding great female comics, like Chelsea Handler and Iliza Shlesinger.

So, to help brighten your Tuesday that probably feels like a Monday,
here are a couple of my favorite funny girls...

*warning, partaking of beverages while viewing the following clips may cause choking and or ruined keyboard*

Iliza Shlesinger
Iliza Shlesinger - Gem of Knowledge
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes
Iliza Shlesinger - Snake in the Grass
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes

Anjelah Johnson
Anjelah Johnson - Flight Attendants
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes
Anjelah Johnson - Butt Check-Out
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes

Happy Tuesday, Y'all.

Friday, February 18, 2011

All the small things

(woah, holy 6 posts in one week, batman. go me!)

Throughout High School, I remember spending my Saturday nights dressed up, in my knee length skirts and platform sandals, ready to dance the night away in the church gymnasium.

My brother and I (cause that's how I roll) would walk in and show the chaperones our dance cards. The LDS equivalent of being "carded".

Once I was "in", I would get pulled in a blur past the cute boys and into the girl's bathroom by three of my -probably screaming/hugging- friends, because one of them was crying. Do not pass go, do not even think about stopping by the refreshments table.

Now, normal adolescents would have taken the opportunity to smoke slash drink some form of contraband in said bathroom. But, we were in a church for crying out loud, and no one ever said we were normal. At least not between the ages of 14 and 17...I saved that for after high school.

Instead of a night of carefree dancing, we would spend the first half of the dance in the bathroom, chillin' in the same chairs women breast feed in, trying to convince "crying friend" that she's gorgeous and just needs to dance it out. Or, to grow a pair and get out there and ask that tall skinny boy she was crushin' on to dance.  Unless that boy was the same skinny kid I was crushing on, then it was a fight to the death in the bathroom.

I won, obviously.

So, you may be asking what the point of all this is?

Well, the point is... just freakin dance! 

Stop crying because you think someone doesn't like you.

Stop wasting precious time worrying about what others think or do.

Do what you want to do, and if you want to dance, then dance.

ps...All The Small Things by Blink 182 was one of the most played songs at those dances.
pps...Cotton Eyed Joe was number 1.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

going to Nome for a wife

One of my all time favorite movies is Blast From The Past with Alicia Silverstone and Brendan Fraser.

Basically everything I know about Alaska I learned from that movie scene. 

If you would have told me back in 2000 -when I first saw this movie- that I would eventually live in Alaska,
I would have laughed and said you were crazy.

Four years ago I moved to Nome.

Who's crazy now? the way, no one comes to Nome for a wife. Just sayin.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sometimes life imitates The Vampire Diaries

[Scene: Human Elena watching Vampire Stefan cooking dinner.]

Elena: My dad did all the cooking too.
Stefan: And your mom?
Elena: She sat right here and watched...she couldn't cook either.

Dan: Hey, that's just like you, baby.

Me: What? I just cooked us dinner.

*points to plate of chicken strips and french fries*

Dan: umm yea. That's not really cooking. But I love you anyways.

....He sure knows how to sweet talk a lady.

I didn't marry him for his good looks and charm, I married him because he can cook.


---------Two truths and a lie Tuesday--------

I got my first driver's license when I was 23 years old.

I've never been on a rollercoaster.

I have never drank alcohol.

Thanks Melissa!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Can't Buy Me Love

I don't need diamonds, or chocolates, or a hallmark card.

I just need you, snuggled close to me, watching Glee or something equally as girly.

I don't need a lot to make me happy.

....but if you want to buy me something, who am I to deny you the satisfaction it brings.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Why I should never wake and bake...

(that's probably the best blog title I have ever had. I should just stop right there.)

This is my attempt at being domestic.

Friday night I baked a couple dozen heart shaped sugar cookies.

I'm going to start out by saying that I cheated (as I usually do) and used store bought sugar cookie mix.

Because how could I possibly screw this up?

And I know how to make icing, this is gonna be easy peasy.

Saturday morning I woke up and was ready to tackle step two... icing and decorating.

Attempt number one:

self: oh this is so much fun! I could totally be a baker!

whip egg whites. check.
add sugar. check.
have husband taste test. check.

Dan: it's a little grainy, did you sift the sugar?

Me: no, the recipe didn't say i needed to sift it.

Dan: I always sift powdered sugar. you did use powdered sugar right?

Me: oh my gosh! I used granulated sugar! why would I do that? I am so retarded!

*bangs head on wall*

Dan: it's okay, baby, it's just early. you're not awake yet.

....Of course, then I was out of eggs and my truck refused to start in the -23 degree weather.

So I said screw it, and swore off baking for ever.

Attempt number two:

*husband returns from store with eggs and an energy drink*

self: okay, you can do this. show that icing whose boss.

While separating the egg whites I dropped the yoke of egg number four into the bowl of whites...

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: sh*t!

Mom: oh no, she said sh*t, it must be bad.

Me: I just broke the yoke into the whites, oh my gosh not again!

Mom: maybe I should go, you need to concentrate.

Me: Mom, I'm baking, not driving a car for pete's sake. why is this so hard?!

I fished out as much of the yoke as possible, said screw it and finished making the icing.

My poor mother had to suffer through the entire icing process., I may have scarred her for life.

My kitchen looks like cupid puked all over it.

finished product:

these cookies can burn in a fiery valentine's hell.

those f'ers were so not worth the trouble.

Friday, February 4, 2011

I don't go out on the sea ice because there are whales under there. duh.

My extremely talented friend, Kim @ Nomemade created this awesome movie trailer featuring my husband, and many of our friends. enjoy.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I don't hate autocorrect.

I found the most hilarious website that has left me with sore abs and soiled pants from laughing so hard.
here are a few of my favorites...

sounds like an average day around these parts.

LOLZ fa sho!

who doesn't want to be paid in monkeys?

 this one is for Elly Lou.

and the one that had me on the floor gasping for air....
you are welcome.

the end.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

what blog title will best distract my readers from the fact that I haven't blogged in two months? oh wait.

Well, I want to say 2010 was full of blogging fail for me.

Not only did I suck at posting here, but I also put my twilight love child on hiatus. and I hate hiatuses.

It is a new year, which I am hoping will be filled with new and exciting things to blog about.

But nothing exciting has happened yet, so lets take a look back at the last year, shall we?

Here are my top ten in two thousand ten...

10. I read a lot of books in 2010, all of which have sequels. why do I torture myself so?!

9. I blogged about dieting and prepared for more of that nonsense in the future.

8. I found some wonderful new blogs that I adore, and may have distracted me from my own blogging.

7. I let you all in on my deepest darkest fear, my fear and hatred of whales.

6. My husband and I saw Lady Gaga in concert, and she rocked our faces off. (vid not filmed by me.)

5. I discovered I have almost 40 blog posts still in Draft form. just further proof that I have the attention span of a gnat, and rarely complete coherent -oh look! shiny!

4. In July my friends and I threw an awesomeballz Eclipse pre-show party here in Nome.

3. Our roommate of almost 2 years moved back home in December. it was bittersweet, and I am currently suffering from empty nest syndrome.

2. We are officially the champions of not making grandchildren for my husband's parents. I'm still waiting for that gold metal in the mail. Maybe this year my brothers will help us with my side of the family.

1. I bought my first ukulele after becoming utterly infatuated with Elly at Bugginword. Maybe by the end of 2011 I will actually learn a song well enough to record it. or not.

and a total bonus...
my wonderful friend, Kim from Nomemade, designed this awesome shirt just for me!
Thank you, Kim! and everyone else, you're welcome for the boob shot.

aaaaaand I'm out.