Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for your opinion...aka I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do...aka Back the eff off....aka This is a really long and mean post title.

Some people. The nerve. Really. I mean, really?!

The other day I had a guy come in my office for some super secret printouts. While he was waiting for my thumbprint/retina scan/voice recognition clearance to approve, he spied the sweet delicious nectar innocently sitting on my desk. And the next thing I know, I am getting lectured by some punkass kid about how bad my can of Rockstar Energy is. This is how it went down...

Ridiculous Guy:  "Those things are SO bad for you, they make people look old. Like they age people."

Dude, I look 12, how is this supposed to convince me to not drink them?

Me: *blank stare*

Ridiculous Guy: "Yea, there is an ingredient that they out lawed in Canada. You should drink Red Bull. Red Bull doesn't have that ingredient so its better for you."

Me: *eye twitch*

Are you frackin' kidding me? Who are you? Do you own stock in Red Bull? Get out of my office before I stab you in the face!

Ridiculous Guy: "I just thought you'd like to know, since you're a girl and girls worry about that stuff."

what the H!?
He seriously rambled on and on for a good 6 minutes and 37 seconds. Another 7 seconds and the switchblade in my sock would have made friends with his eyeballs.

What's interesting, is that's not the first time this has happened to me.

I drop by the gas station/convienence store/crack dealer most mornings and grab an energy drink before I head to work.

So one morning, the girl behind the counter decides she is going to do her "good deed" for the day, and inform me -a customer...who is giving her money- that "those are really bad for you".

Oh my gosh! Thank you for telling me! I almost spent my hard earned money is this here store, the store that pay you to sell people stuff. I apologize. Excuse me while I round house kick you in the face!
Just sell me the can of crack, and shut your face hole.

If I bought a pack of cigrettes would you turn into one of those Truth commercials and tell me how evil tobacco companies are and how I'm going to die a slow miserable death?

No. Because thats not your freaking job. Your job is to smile and sell me stuff.

Scan it, bag it, and shut it.

[note: I don't smoke. You can breathe easy, I know you were worried.]

So what gives complete strangers the right to dole out health advice to innocent unsuspecting people that carry weapons in their socks?

I mean, at least my friends have moved on from the initial "Dude, those things will kill ya." to just planning my funeral.

Dust In The Wind, people.

My last request.

Play it and I will be one happy corpse.

I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I say "yes" to hugs and "no" to drugs. So just cool it people. I read the warning labels...I'm not a child, I'm not pregnant, I'm definitely not nursing, and I'm obviously not sensitive to caffeine. Let me have my carbonated drink of happiness!

Now go watch Intervention and see what real addiction is.


1 comment:

  1. awwwww....I've missed you :)

    I hope I don't do this. I try to only let stuff slip out of my mouth that's sorta supportive. Though, once this totally backfired when I said "oooh, that's a cute shirt" to the gal ahead of me in line at Target. She pulled a face, and told me she didn't think so. and then bought the shirt.

    ya...I still don't get it.

    My kids loved the picture of Cookie...but they can't read yet!


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