Friday, March 19, 2010

Iditarod: The Mardi Gras of the North

The hotels are crowded and the streets are filling up...and by filling up I mean getting drunk.
They've dumped all the snow the road crews have worked so hard to clear all winter, right in the middle of Front Street.

Idita-whaaat 2007
[chipmunk face for the win....not.]

That's right, its Iditarod time. Or as I like to call it Idita-wheredidallthesepeoplecomefrom.

I received our handy-dandy Iditarod Events Calendar in the mail. woohoo *insert sarcasm*

I mean, really. What better way to celebrate a dog sled race than with wet t-shirt contests and drunken karaoke!?

Gosh I love Nome....we are totes classy.

There's also Beer Tasting, a Husky Hoe Down, Safe Sex Party, Make Your Own Bikini, and a bunch of other lame-tastical events you will eventually file under "Things I Regret" and/or "Things My Jackass Friends Shouldn't Let Me Do".

I know, right? To be honest, the Iditarod is only cool the first time you see it....unless you really love dog sled racing, then I'm guessing its the bee's knees. But, for most of us who live here in Nome, it turns out to be more of an excuse for the drunks to get drunkier. And let me tell you, they were plenty drunk before.

Also, there are way too many people in the Post Office.

Most Iditarod "events" are sponsored by one of the bazillion bars we have or by a church that is just trying to even things out. yea, good luck with that. I have yet to attend any Idita-parties, wet t-shirt contests, or beer tastings. and I don't plan on it.

However, I did drag my butt down to Front Street to video tape (for your viewing pleasure) the winner, Lance Mackey, hitting the finish line. Please enjoy the shotty camera work, editing, and lack of visuals due to my being "vertically challenged". I should have just taped it from the safety of my office balcony. Crowds are so overratted.

No video? Your computer must totally suck.

Psych! I am just totally lame-o and haven't uploaded it.

(Your computer probably doesn't suck.)

Oh that reminds me... I am so excited for that siren to go off in the middle of the night.  Ode to joy.

Go Iditarod!

ps...I will never have a job in tourism. Can you tell?

pps...Dog Sled Racing is crazy awesome...emphasis on the crazy! Go Mushers!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for your opinion...aka I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do...aka Back the eff off....aka This is a really long and mean post title.

Some people. The nerve. Really. I mean, really?!

The other day I had a guy come in my office for some super secret printouts. While he was waiting for my thumbprint/retina scan/voice recognition clearance to approve, he spied the sweet delicious nectar innocently sitting on my desk. And the next thing I know, I am getting lectured by some punkass kid about how bad my can of Rockstar Energy is. This is how it went down...

Ridiculous Guy:  "Those things are SO bad for you, they make people look old. Like they age people."

Dude, I look 12, how is this supposed to convince me to not drink them?

Me: *blank stare*

Ridiculous Guy: "Yea, there is an ingredient that they out lawed in Canada. You should drink Red Bull. Red Bull doesn't have that ingredient so its better for you."

Me: *eye twitch*

Are you frackin' kidding me? Who are you? Do you own stock in Red Bull? Get out of my office before I stab you in the face!

Ridiculous Guy: "I just thought you'd like to know, since you're a girl and girls worry about that stuff."

what the H!?
He seriously rambled on and on for a good 6 minutes and 37 seconds. Another 7 seconds and the switchblade in my sock would have made friends with his eyeballs.

What's interesting, is that's not the first time this has happened to me.

I drop by the gas station/convienence store/crack dealer most mornings and grab an energy drink before I head to work.

So one morning, the girl behind the counter decides she is going to do her "good deed" for the day, and inform me -a customer...who is giving her money- that "those are really bad for you".

Oh my gosh! Thank you for telling me! I almost spent my hard earned money is this here store, the store that pay you to sell people stuff. I apologize. Excuse me while I round house kick you in the face!
Just sell me the can of crack, and shut your face hole.

If I bought a pack of cigrettes would you turn into one of those Truth commercials and tell me how evil tobacco companies are and how I'm going to die a slow miserable death?

No. Because thats not your freaking job. Your job is to smile and sell me stuff.

Scan it, bag it, and shut it.

[note: I don't smoke. You can breathe easy, I know you were worried.]

So what gives complete strangers the right to dole out health advice to innocent unsuspecting people that carry weapons in their socks?

I mean, at least my friends have moved on from the initial "Dude, those things will kill ya." to just planning my funeral.

Dust In The Wind, people.

My last request.

Play it and I will be one happy corpse.

I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I say "yes" to hugs and "no" to drugs. So just cool it people. I read the warning labels...I'm not a child, I'm not pregnant, I'm definitely not nursing, and I'm obviously not sensitive to caffeine. Let me have my carbonated drink of happiness!

Now go watch Intervention and see what real addiction is.