An epiphany, if you will.
I am not a responsible adult.
I truly understand why God hasn't sent me a cute little bundle o' responsibility.
Because, keeping people alive is hard. And keeping them alive and happy...holy crap that's almost impossible. From what they're wearing, to eating, watching, or playing, I can pretty much guarantee you I am going to get it w-r-o-n-g ...wroooong. Basically, I suck at taking care of children. I mean I can change a diaper, and make sure its not on backwards. I can feed them and make sure they don't choke to death. If they spit up everywhere, I can clean it up. But as an actual responsible caregiver, I suck.
They break a bone, I vom. bleeding wounds, I vom. Throw up non-baby food, I vom.
You want popcorn and soda for dinner? Sure, lets get you each a bag and a 2 liter, now go sit in front of the TV and be quiet. Texas Chainsaw Massacre is on? Sweet, pass the popcorn! What time are you supposed to go to bed? Midnight? Oh hey, me too!
Who would leave me in charge? I mean, really?!
One thing I am good at is making children cry. Seriously, if they gave out medals for "the best grown-up to make a child cry" I would be a gold freakin medalist. Why? Because I am mean, and completely unsympathetic. Why are you crying? Stop crying. You're gonna choke on your cocoa puffs if you don't stop crying. Stop it. Stop. It. Stooooooop! Seriously! Stopbeingalittlecrybaby!
Need I say more?
So how do you tell your friends that after babysitting their kids for a week, you never ever want to have children ever? Like 'afraid to have sex' don't want children. True story. I'm taking a vow of celibacy, because there is no way I am giving God a chance to send me a little surprise via my belly just so he can point and laugh and say, "Gotcha!! Bwahahahaha!" Seriously, He will have to use immaculate conception in order for me to pop out a screaming crying demanding little human, and I am pretty sure that only happens to virgins. amiright?!
Don't get me wrong, I love children. They are cute, cuddly, entertaining, and wear adorable miniature people clothes, but they always go back to Mom and Dad when I am done teaching them gang signs and swear words....as it should be. Because I am an awesome Aunt. Nothing more.
At this point, my husband totally agrees...only because he hasn't heard the "no sex" part. And because he thinks its a phase, and that next week I will want a baby again. Because every time before this time, I did want a baby a week later. But every time before, didn't include a week of insanity caused by three very well behaved yet extremely exhausting children. Three children who can dress themselves and are completely potty trained. Imagine if I was babysitting an actual baby...I would be asleep on the keyboard, possibly drooling. Thats why this time will be different. I am in it to win it. And the grand prize doesn't include diapers and sippy cups. Maybe the sippy cups, I do tend to spill...a lot.
So, no more baby talk from me. You probably don't know this -cause I never talk about babies here- but in real life babies are all I talk about. It goes a little something like this, "blah blah awww cute wittle baby blah blah blah i want one now blah blah blah cute pregnancy clothes blah blah little onsies blah blah blah rubber ducky." Annoying right? Well no more, my friends! From now on when someone asks me, "When are you guys having kids?" instead of saying, "Oh we're trying" or "Its not as easy as it looks." I will just say, "We are not growing any humans here!" -while pointing at my stomach- "No baby zone, got it?!"
Everyone says its different when its your own