Friday, February 5, 2010

If you're my mother in law, you probably shouldn't read this. If you're my mother, how'd you find my blog? Nevertheless, consider yourselves warned.

I am having a break though...

An epiphany, if you will.

I am not a responsible adult.

I truly understand why God hasn't sent me a cute little bundle o' responsibility.
Because, keeping people alive is hard. And keeping them alive and happy...holy crap that's almost impossible. From what they're wearing, to eating, watching, or playing, I can pretty much guarantee you I am going to get it  w-r-o-n-g ...wroooong. Basically, I suck at taking care of children. I mean I can change a diaper, and make sure its not on backwards. I can feed them and make sure they don't choke to death. If they spit up everywhere, I can clean it up. But as an actual responsible caregiver, I suck.

They break a bone, I vom. bleeding wounds, I vom. Throw up non-baby food, I vom.
You want popcorn and soda for dinner? Sure, lets get you each a bag and a 2 liter, now go sit in front of the TV and be quiet. Texas Chainsaw Massacre is on? Sweet, pass the popcorn! What time are you supposed to go to bed? Midnight? Oh hey, me too!

Who would leave me in charge? I mean, really?!

One thing I am good at is making children cry. Seriously, if they gave out medals for "the best grown-up to make a child cry" I would be a gold freakin medalist. Why? Because I am mean, and completely unsympathetic. Why are you crying? Stop crying. You're gonna choke on your cocoa puffs if you don't stop crying. Stop it. Stop. It. Stooooooop! Seriously! Stopbeingalittlecrybaby!

Need I say more?

So how do you tell your friends that after babysitting their kids for a week, you never ever want to have children ever? Like 'afraid to have sex' don't want children. True story. I'm taking a vow of celibacy, because there is no way I am giving God a chance to send me a little surprise via my belly just so he can point and laugh and say, "Gotcha!! Bwahahahaha!"  Seriously, He will have to use immaculate conception in order for me to pop out a screaming crying demanding little human, and I am pretty sure that only happens to virgins. amiright?!

Don't get me wrong, I love children. They are cute, cuddly, entertaining, and wear adorable miniature people clothes, but they always go back to Mom and Dad when I am done teaching them gang signs and swear it should be. Because I am an awesome Aunt. Nothing more.

At this point, my husband totally agrees...only because he hasn't heard the "no sex" part. And because he thinks its a phase, and that next week I will want a baby again. Because every time before this time, I did want a baby a week later. But every time before, didn't include a week of insanity caused by three very well  behaved yet extremely exhausting children. Three children who can dress themselves and are completely potty trained. Imagine if I was babysitting an actual baby...I would be asleep on the keyboard, possibly drooling. Thats why this time will be different. I am in it to win it. And the grand prize doesn't include diapers and sippy cups. Maybe the sippy cups, I do tend to spill...a lot.

So, no more baby talk from me. You probably don't know this -cause I never talk about babies here- but in real life babies are all I talk about. It goes a little something like this, "blah blah awww cute wittle baby blah blah blah i want one now blah blah blah cute pregnancy clothes blah blah little onsies blah blah blah rubber ducky." Annoying right? Well no more, my friends! From now on when someone asks me, "When are you guys having kids?" instead of saying, "Oh we're trying" or "Its not as easy as it looks." I will just say, "We are not growing any humans here!" -while pointing at my stomach- "No baby zone, got it?!"

Everyone says its different when its your own soul sucking adorable children, but I'm not willing to take the risk to find out. I think we will just stick with living vicariously through our friends and their kids.


  1. It's official. Your blog is hilarious. I've only read two posts, but I'm pretty sure I'll go through and read your older posts. It's just insanely humorous.

  2. Ohh Kim your post made me giggles so much !!!
    I feel your pain, like a lot I really feel it! But to come to the most basic question : Why the heck did you babysit 3 (in words threee) kids for 1 (in words one...) week????
    I would never ever do that - never!

    I'm still not sure about kids and when I read that I'm sure I never ever want to be in that situation!

    Lovers you!

    ...going away still giggeling ...

  3. I love this cartoon. Seriously, I want to print it out and hang it on my wall. Or post it on the dashboard of my car and take it with me everywhere I go.

    Did I mention how much I'm loving your blog?

  4. Do you read the Bloggess? Come on - I know you do....

  5. You finally GET IT!!! FYI, taking care of other peoples brats are nothing like taking care of your own. (I can tolerate my own) I would never volunteer to take care of someone elses leeches. You must be a very brave woman. Someday, you may, or may not be ready for your life to be sucked out of you! LOL. I love your blog BTW!

    (from your sis in law) xoxoxo

  6. I can't believe it's taken me THISLONG to read this! Haha!

    What your readers don't quite understand (and what makes this even more compelling) is that these kids were MINE! And you did it because I was leaving for some "medical procedures".

    You did mention well-behaved and potty trained, but you didn't mention that they get their own food, I left you a frozen dinner menu, and that, really, it was for supervision only. You also had access to the massage chair, jacuzzi tub, AWESOME bed, and a closet of clothes you'd been dying to get your hands on (And thanks to medial procedure, you now own!)

    Thank you for taking care of them and I'm sorry they've turned you off from having your own, but....that means I can make you travel with me at a moment's notice! WAHOO!!!


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