Thursday, February 11, 2010

Phallainophobia...I'm not making this up.

I have a irrational fear of Whales.

Its a straight up phobia, I tell you.
One that is totally recognized by psychologists. So its totally legit.

(I don't even know how to pronounce that, but in my mind, it sounds kinda dirty)

How do I know this?

Our roommate googled it.

I mean, I wasn't going to google it. I'm not stupid. Google shows pictures... pictures of Whales! Why would I subject myself to something I know will cause me to see pictures of whales. ((shudder))
Thats one of the things I am afraid of!

I can't look at pictures, cartoons, video footage, anything that has whales... Whale tail? No freakin thank you. Whale bones? EWW! They give me the willies!! (pun totally intended)

So our roommate wanted to test this theory by finding picturess of whales on the internet and then tricking me into looking at them. How freakin evil is that?

How did my evil roommate find out, you ask?

It all started when we were watching Hot Fuzz.

Have you seen Hot Fuzz?

Yea, neither have I, cause I turned that shizz off. But before I realized the evil that is Hot Fuzz, I was subjected to a scene involving a beached whale. I screamed, I'll admit it. Come on, it was a whale...on land! Its like they are coming to get me!

That reminds me. What was that one movie with Will Smith where he throws the beached whale back into the ocean? That's right, I don't know, because I refuse to watch it, seeing as that was the part they decided to show in the previews. Smooth move, preview maker dudes. 

I could go on and on about all the movies and tv shows that I refuse to watch because of whales. Like, the Planet Earth movie. Everyone says its such an amazing movie....blah blah blah. Well, I won't be seeing it, because there is a whale on the dvd cover, and thats like a big ol' warning sign that says, "Whales Ahead, Turn Back Now"
So what is it about whales that gives me the chillies up my spine and nightmares?

Maybe its because they are gigantic and they live in the ocean, and they are gross, and they could swallow me whole, and they have barnacles and its just ((shudder)) so nasty! And I don't discriminate, I hate all whales equally. Shamu can suck it. I hate Free Willy, being all creepy in the darkness of the auquarium just waiting for that kid to see him ..gah! The whales in Happy Feet make me wanna cry, how dare they attack my precious penguins! Ponocchio was swallowed by an evil whale, Jonah was too. I don't care what you say, I will always feel this way. I hate it when they jump out of the water and come crashing back down in a "this is how I could crush you" sort of way, I don't wanna see their stupid whale tails splashing around. Their nasty blow holes blowing snot all over people. It's disgusting, they should be embarrassed.

Living in Alaska has made this fear worse. There are pictures and artwork everywhere... bones, baleen, beached whales! I'm telling you, they are coming for me!
My husband goes crabbing out on the sea ice, and I refuse to go, because I saw that little video on the internet of the Eskimo that gets eaten by a whale, while ice fishing. No freakin' way am I going out there when there's whales under the ice waiting to attack the moment you stand over them!
(calm down, I know its fake, but it still scares the shizz out of me)\

So there you have it. My greatest fear. Whales. Scarier than clowns, spiders, darkness, zombies, and sharks.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Childhood Icons {Barbra Streisand}

I grew up listening to Barbra Streisand.
My mother would play her albums constantly,
believe me I am not complaining...
I loved it.
I remember listening to my mom sing along with every song,
and soon enough I knew every songs too.
Streisand is not only one of the most magnificent voices of all time,
but one of my fondest childhood memories with my mom.

(me, doing my best "Barbra")

I owe a lot of my musical influences to my mom.
Not only did she introduce me to Streisand, but also
Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Judy Garland, and even Queen.
Among others.

One of my favorite things to do
is watch her early performances.
She has this extraordinary passion when she sings.

Here are a few of my favorites found on youtube.

Goosebumps every time.

Mom and I used to sing this duet around the house, all the time...

We had this album on tape...
I'm surprised I never wore that poor little tape out.
This was my favorite song.

A Star is Born...fantastic movie! And Barbra is rockin that afro!

{We totally could have been the greatest thing since The Judds. just sayin.}

Friday, February 5, 2010

If you're my mother in law, you probably shouldn't read this. If you're my mother, how'd you find my blog? Nevertheless, consider yourselves warned.

I am having a break though...

An epiphany, if you will.

I am not a responsible adult.

I truly understand why God hasn't sent me a cute little bundle o' responsibility.
Because, keeping people alive is hard. And keeping them alive and happy...holy crap that's almost impossible. From what they're wearing, to eating, watching, or playing, I can pretty much guarantee you I am going to get it  w-r-o-n-g ...wroooong. Basically, I suck at taking care of children. I mean I can change a diaper, and make sure its not on backwards. I can feed them and make sure they don't choke to death. If they spit up everywhere, I can clean it up. But as an actual responsible caregiver, I suck.

They break a bone, I vom. bleeding wounds, I vom. Throw up non-baby food, I vom.
You want popcorn and soda for dinner? Sure, lets get you each a bag and a 2 liter, now go sit in front of the TV and be quiet. Texas Chainsaw Massacre is on? Sweet, pass the popcorn! What time are you supposed to go to bed? Midnight? Oh hey, me too!

Who would leave me in charge? I mean, really?!

One thing I am good at is making children cry. Seriously, if they gave out medals for "the best grown-up to make a child cry" I would be a gold freakin medalist. Why? Because I am mean, and completely unsympathetic. Why are you crying? Stop crying. You're gonna choke on your cocoa puffs if you don't stop crying. Stop it. Stop. It. Stooooooop! Seriously! Stopbeingalittlecrybaby!

Need I say more?

So how do you tell your friends that after babysitting their kids for a week, you never ever want to have children ever? Like 'afraid to have sex' don't want children. True story. I'm taking a vow of celibacy, because there is no way I am giving God a chance to send me a little surprise via my belly just so he can point and laugh and say, "Gotcha!! Bwahahahaha!"  Seriously, He will have to use immaculate conception in order for me to pop out a screaming crying demanding little human, and I am pretty sure that only happens to virgins. amiright?!

Don't get me wrong, I love children. They are cute, cuddly, entertaining, and wear adorable miniature people clothes, but they always go back to Mom and Dad when I am done teaching them gang signs and swear it should be. Because I am an awesome Aunt. Nothing more.

At this point, my husband totally agrees...only because he hasn't heard the "no sex" part. And because he thinks its a phase, and that next week I will want a baby again. Because every time before this time, I did want a baby a week later. But every time before, didn't include a week of insanity caused by three very well  behaved yet extremely exhausting children. Three children who can dress themselves and are completely potty trained. Imagine if I was babysitting an actual baby...I would be asleep on the keyboard, possibly drooling. Thats why this time will be different. I am in it to win it. And the grand prize doesn't include diapers and sippy cups. Maybe the sippy cups, I do tend to spill...a lot.

So, no more baby talk from me. You probably don't know this -cause I never talk about babies here- but in real life babies are all I talk about. It goes a little something like this, "blah blah awww cute wittle baby blah blah blah i want one now blah blah blah cute pregnancy clothes blah blah little onsies blah blah blah rubber ducky." Annoying right? Well no more, my friends! From now on when someone asks me, "When are you guys having kids?" instead of saying, "Oh we're trying" or "Its not as easy as it looks." I will just say, "We are not growing any humans here!" -while pointing at my stomach- "No baby zone, got it?!"

Everyone says its different when its your own soul sucking adorable children, but I'm not willing to take the risk to find out. I think we will just stick with living vicariously through our friends and their kids.